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Archive for October 26th, 2006

I was walking down the road to the beach the other day and passed a couple walking. He had his hand around her upper arm, as if he was leading her and she reminded me of someone.

Me.

I couldnt help but look back after they passed and her hair was pulled back loosely and behind her ear and along her neck to her shoulder was a large bruise, like it had happened the day before. That reminded me of something too from long ago.

Me.

In highschool, I had my first boyfriend and he pressured sex on me. He never got it. I was a Christian Scientist kid, who was taught not to have premarital sex, drink, do drugs or take medicine. Religion or not, I was too young for sex and definitely not ready. So he hit me because of it, all the time. I broke up with him after 5 months. 5 months of being abused, me, a 16 year old.

My first college boyfriend was the one that led me around by the upper arm, as if I were his possession. He would walk away from me, go out without me, hang out with girls in their rooms when I was waiting for him to call, he trashed my room, he threw an iron at me and it hit me in the side of the face and neck because I turned my face away when it was coming at me and gave me that bruise similar to the one of the girl I saw the other day.

The boyfriend after that didnt hit me, thank goodness. But he would tell me I wasn’t pretty enough or good enough for him or happy enough or that I couldnt do anything right for him or by him. He couldnt figure out why I wasnt better at making him feel loved. He would give me the silent treatment for days. He’d cuss at me and tell him not to call him, he’d call me, and then eventually he’d call and be sorry and sweet and want everything “good” again.

The guy from Roanoke, Virginia was fun. He saw me talk to the cashier guy at the college bookstore, I dont even remember what I said or asked, but I was making a purchase and must have smiled at him when he handed me my change and the Roanoke boyfriend pinned me down with his knee to my chest and told me to never smile at another man again, unless it was at him. And then he made me have sex with him. It happened again when he scoured my room one day when I was in class and found a letter I had saved from a crush I had in 8th grade. (mind you, this was 6 years later!) He threw a chair at me when I studied with a study group of all guys, before midterms. He tore my phone out of the wall when I was making a call to my sister’s boyfriend who was like a brother to me, in California, who’s father had just died. He held me against the wall by his hand, at my throat, until I couldnt breathe and when I was on the verge of passing out, something changed in his eyes and he let me go. I left for Spring Break and told him I didnt want to see him again and I never did. He didnt come back to school.

I dated a cop. He had a gun. It made him feel powerful and he liked to show it to me alot when he threatened me. Put it on the table between us, that sort of thing.

I got married to the man who is now my exhusband. Because he was safe. He wouldnt hit me or threaten me. I was safe. I was home with my kids. Big house. Country Club. Trips. Cars. Whatever we wanted. Whatever I wanted. What I wanted wasnt important though, because I never got it from him. I was controlled. I was berated. I was disrespected. I was emotionally put down until I was empty and cold and ready to go. I realized I wasnt safe, not really.

So, no more.

Staying true to myself is my number one priority and what keeps me safe. Even in a relationship with Chef, where we are each dealing with our own demons and old habits and playing old records in our heads, I have to remain true to myself.

It is painful sometimes, and difficult, to realize I can fall back into my own patterns of “letting things go” or not standing up for my beliefs. What I am realizing is that with Chef, the little conflict we have can be, and has continuously been worked out as we communicate better all the time with each other. With the courage to do so, I have never been let down by him as we come together and figure it out. It is nice for a change. I love

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