Archive for September, 2007

You may have noticed that I graduated from rated PG to rated R on my blog. Because I called Ex husband a “Bastard” and used the word “fucking” a few times in the same post.

Well…he is…and it was warranted, I think. I am still angry. The girls are with him this weekend and it was harder than usual to let them go.

Anyway, he is also a complete moron…I actually had to scan and email part of our divorce agreement this afternoon where it says ” must give 30 days notice for needing to swap custodial weekends”….because I have a flight to NYC in a few weeks to visit a high school friend…and he just told me he had to swap weekends…the last time he did this, I was going back to California to visit my family, and I lost a $400 ticket, to keep my kids on his weekend. OF COURSE I will take the children when he can’t…but please, I’ve got a plane ticket here…anyway, in the agreement is that if there isn’t 30 days notice (which could still screw me at some point with a booked trip), and he has to make a switch that I can’t “cover”…he is responsible for finding care for the girls. Which kills me. It fucking kills me to know they aren’t with me or with him. They are with someone OTHER than a parent. So I think I will probably be forgoing the NYC trip. If they stay with their grandparents, I feel okay. Anyone else…um, no.

The thing is, I am discovering that when he finds out of any sort of plan I have, ANY sort of plan…he tends to reschedule and be late and such…and my plans tend to either get canceled or delayed. So now, I say nothing. Nothing like “Hey, I’m going out of town” or “My mom is picking the girls up for me because I will be getting in on a flight a little later that day”…he picks up on the change of plans that I make…making my own arrangements for the girls, and then jerks me around.

Anyway, my intention is to make it to NYC to see my friend who moved there recently from back home…we used to surf before school and change our clothes on the side of Pacific Coast Highway under towels before being constantly late for school. I somehow graduated and made it to college in the end.

From here on out, this post is rated G…other than the side comment that the photo at the top here is meant for a cute thing re: my children…but it also can pertain to where I wish Ex husband would stick his head.

And flush.


We are transitioning better after school, now that we are a week into it. I find myself both frustrated but laughing at some of what goes on in our house. I’ve taken some notes:

Me: Red, could you please come and wipe up the drip on the toilet seat please? And flush your poop?

Red: It wasn’t me!!!

Blue (piping up in the background): IT REALLY wasn’t me!

Me: RED, please take care of the toilet!

Red: I’m tellin’ ya, IT WASN’T ME!!! WHY DO YOU THINK IT IS ALWAYS ME!!!??

Me: Because YOU are the only one who drips on the seat and refuses to flush after you poop!

Red (stomping with a devilish grin): aaaaaawwww….aw-lllllll-right!


At bedtime:

Red: Mommy, can you leave the shades up just a little bit so we can see out?

Me: You’re supposed to be going to sleep, not “seeing out”.

Red: But how about just a little bit? Just a little bit so we can see out?

Me: No.

Blue: But we want to look out and see what’s going on out there!

Me: No, you’re not supposed to see “what’s going on out there”. You’re supposed to be GOING TO SLEEP.

Red and Blue in unison: PLEASE let us see outside!


(You’d think I had them chained to the bed!)


Upon having the television banned for the afternoon:

Red: How come we can’t just watch one show?

Me: Because you were spitting on your sister and she was throwing wet toilet paper at the wall

Blue: I was throwing it at the wall because SHE was spitting at me!!

Me: (huh?) Well, stop doing it. You both need to settle down.

Red: Weeeelll….we WILL settle down if you turn on the TV! The TV will settle us down!

Me: (in my head, only) True. But I ain’t giving in, no matter how painful it is for me…


After the kids went to bed tonight, I was cleaning some things up and came across a piece of paper with Red’s writing…it said “I love it when Mommy is happy”.

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I feel outrage

…because after I paid a $30 copay for a third EpiPen for my 4 year old with severe reactions to tree nuts, and handed it to BASTARDEXHUSBAND to keep with him at all time, when he takes the girls to his house in Maine (where she had her most recent reaction), when he goes to his parent’s house for dinner every Sunday night when there is GOD KNOWS WHAT kind of food with whatever nut, in it, lying around… he looked at me blankly and kept repeating “I don’t get it, what’s this for? WHAT am I supposed to do with it?”

There is a reason I left him.

I will take him to court if my daughter has an allergic reaction when she is in his care and he doesn’t stab her with the EpiPen.

I am fucking serious.

It always bothered me that when the girls had ear infections when they were younger and he would return the girls to me on Mondays and their medicine was no lower in the bottle than when I gave it to him, with them, on the previous Friday. It bothers me that I hear on a Sunday night on the phone with my girls (my girls telling me, not their dad), that they were throwing up and sick…but he never bothered to call and tell me.

I am so fucking mad right now.

He held the EpiPen box, with all the information on how to use it, including the “trainer”…and he goes “I don’t get it, what do I do with it? We should just pray about this.”


Yeah, I am upset.

So I tell him “you should have this with you, especially when you are out of town, I keep mine in my handbag and the school will have one for her in case something happens there.”

And then I proceeded to demonstrate with the “trainer” EXACTLY how it works. I pretended to stab myself in the leg. I show him the clear directions on the outside of the cylinder.

Three steps, That’s all.

Take safety cap off. Stab in leg. Wait ten seconds.

And he says, “Well, I’m praying enough for both of us, so we’ll never have to use this.”

And I am saying to myself “Yeah, asshole. Let’s hope God’s taking care of our little girl, and takes your hand if she has an allergic reaction and stabs her properly in the leg and then drives you both to the emergency room.”

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I’ve been sitting here contemplating this EpiPen thing for Blue. I picked up her prescription this morning and because they are used to going to the pharmacy to get “Mommy’s medicine” (birth control) she didn’t question the huge box that contained two EpiPens AND a “trainer”.



It is a replica of the real thing, but without the medicine in it and without the needle thing it comes through.

So I practiced a bit on my leg to see how it works. Pretty easy.

The only thing is, I cringe to imagine the look on her face if she ever has another allergic reaction, when I actually have to STAB her with it. She is, in fact, only 4.

All I have to say is that I know this kind of thing is really common nowadays, allergies to nuts. I am so grateful she can still eat peanut butter. I am grateful there are only 4 nuts she is allergic to in all the nut categories. I mean, they even tested her for coconut. I doubt she would ever want to try coconut, but still, Coconut is in my lemon squares recipe, and she eats that!

I do worry that my fanatical Christian Science ex husband won’t give it to her if she is having an allergic reaction. I mean, PRAY GOD DAMMIT, but GIVE HER THE MEDICINE TOO PLEASE!!!!

Anyway, that’s it.

I have sold 4 paintings this week. To two bloggers. Two others to repeat clients. One in Ohio. One in Colorado. Now I can pay the taxes on my alimony. Yay. Thank YOU.

Yes, I get alimony. Because the judge said so.

I find it funny that when I went through my divorce, I thought I’d be living in a cardboard box with my children…or at best, a basement apartment down by the docks where seagulls eat pigeons. (I’ve seen it with my own eyes). Because the threats from Ex husband made me believe so.

I own my own home now. Provide a safe environment for the children. A lovely lovely place we live…

I was talking to a friend recently who is in a physically abusive relationship. She lives down in Texas and is making arrangements to protect herself and her young child. She asked if she could come stay with me for a few days, but the last time she left him, he found her easily and it wasn’t pretty. The baby was fine but she wasn’t. And she went back. I had to tell her a few weeks ago, “no, you can’t come here”, because I didn’t want to put my children in danger. It was horrible.

As you may know, I have been in a few.  I don’t even try to explain how looking back from my life now, into the past, how controlled I was, how much crap I believed about myself, how much crap I believed about “how things should work” between a man and a woman. It is ridiculous.

What I did do was get in touch through a childhood lawyer friend, with another really good lawyer in Texas, who is helping her out. Without charging her. Ends up, she will probably go to some sort of shelter and go through the legal way of getting evidence and help and such. It scares me that it will be a long and tedious process for her, one that will most likely involve more violence. ALOT more violence. Until something can be done to protect her.

I hope not. But I also know how things are.

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