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Archive for October 17th, 2007

Dear Chef

I just wanted to say that I am sorry about how our conversation went on the phone a few weeks ago. I was stunned that your first call to me in over four months was to analyze, judge and criticize me. You had absolutely no right, considering we are no longer involved. In fact, you had absolutely no right, regardless of that.

I think I expected a bit of healing instead of resentment and anger from you…you don’t forgive me, for whatever it is you think I did, I did nothing wrong, any more than what I feel you did wrong…you don’t give me your blessing, perhaps it was your way of attempting to let me go, because I don’t need your blessing…I did nothing other than stand up for what I needed and wanted and I do believe you knew deep down it was coming at some point, no matter how much you didn’t want it. I didn’t want it to end either, but it really was time.

Anyway, it was very difficult to hear you in a place that wasn’t of any sort of understanding or peace about the situation, as if your desire was to say things to hurt me in that phone call. It didn’t, it just disappointed me.

The fact that I am seeing someone new, yes, so what, maybe it is my M.O., but really, how often were we together? Twice a month? In the evenings? After your two rounds of golf each day? And besides, didn’t all three of your marriages end because you had found someone new, while you were still IN the marriage?

My life is none of your business. I found it shocking that you would criticize me considering your history. I mean, you were married three times. Divorced. You abandoned your children. You nearly drank yourself to death.

We all want and need companionship. Changing our ways in each relationship and hopefully having it be the last one, a good one, is always a hope and it happened that you and I weren’t able to do that with each other. Whether the involvement is soon after a breakup or years later, is one’s own decision and not anyone else’s place to say that it is the wrong thing.

I hoped that you knew me well enough and watched me enough and understood me enough, that everything we went through, the growth I was going through in the last few years, growth I attribute a strong amount to being with you, was actually pulling me away from us. There came a time when being with you wasn’t okay for me anymore for a variety of reasons and I think you saw that more than you care to admit.

I loved you so much that I found I was compromising simple needs that I had and as a result, I was unhappy. What I wanted for me and my girls in a relationship, was not possible with you anymore, as what I needed evolved as I settled in to my life. They need to be included and in the end, that was one of the biggest things out of the big things standing in the way. Another critical thing that I never said that I feel I need to say, is the feeling of vagueness and dishonesty I felt with you…your non-forthrightness, in every day things that were becoming more apparent and difficult for me. I couldn’t understand it and I couldn’t handle it.

I will end with saying that when I think of you, I think of the man I loved and still love, the man who steadily was there for me when I went through the greatest part of healing in my life, dealing with the divorce, handling issues with the abuse I lived with, and gaining a strength deep inside that I never knew I had, as a mother and a woman…strength I never thought I could muster. You are a good friend and I love what you mean to me. I never expected to part ways and stop speaking. I do suspect that was better for us though, in the end.

If you ever want to connect in a different manner, when you are ready, please do call. I refuse to get into any sort of confrontation with you or analyze everything to death, because I don’t feel it would be productive for either of us in moving on.

I wish you well, I hope all is well with your mom and kids and the rest of your family.

(note: this is after I received two voice mails from Chef a few weeks ago, both sounding like totally different people, asking me to call him. I discovered he’d been reading my blog and he decided to call me not to say hello after all these months, but to analyze my blog and my life and Steam. He was very angry still, that I called things off after months and months of trying to make it work again. I told him I wouldn’t have a conversation with him about it. I recently sent him this email and left him a message letting him know I sent it. I got a message back from him saying he will be deleting my email without reading it and for me to not contact him again. So be it. He definitely has his own ideas of what happened and doesn’t think he had anything to do with them.

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