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Archive for May 19th, 2008

I’m not quite sure what has driven me towards angry people. People who demand something and then if they don’t get their way, stomp around like a 3 year old until someone listens and appeases them and enables them and then they sigh relief and are happy again. Cycling over and over and over again.

In Steam’s case, he has seemingly be abandoned often. First by his dad. Then his mother in a sense. Then his wife. His siblings. He disapproves of how other people live their lives if it isn’t how he thinks they should be living. And he has always been afraid of losing me. So he nearly stifled me.

For a while, I was the only one who made him happy. He kept saying I was the one who fixed him, who made him feel okay.

And then, to hear someone say “I don’t feel right when I am not with you” well, you may say that is romantic. But in this way, it was a dependency and responsibility he put on me that I was ill prepared for.

I will never and never want to be responsible for someone’s happiness.

I love to add to it.

But I never want to be fully responsible for it.

If I was home working or with Red and Blue, he would mope around and tell me he was depressed on the phone. Call every hour to check with me and see what I was doing. He would call me drunk at 3am and tell me he missed me and didn’t know how he could cope until he saw me again.

And I’m thinking to myself “Dude, I’m not THAT fabulous.”

It took a life of it’s own where the things he was basing his love and care of me on was that he was trying to control my behavior towards him, control and manipulate what I was doing or how I was acting.

So yeah. Ick.

How can I not be in something normal? Is it me? Yes, I think it is me. Am I so skewed that I get myself into situations where either the guy is possessive and controlling or otherwise could care less about spending time with me? I have had both.

Both suck.

So, poor me.

Whatever.

Despite this, I have seen him again.

This Steam.

The Steam who woo’ed me and did all the great right things at first. The Steam who is now in weekly therapy because he is honest enough with himself to see the issues he has and the need and desire to heal from his past crap. We all need it. (which is why I am in therapy too…duh).

He’s been great in terms of his managing his anger. In fact, he has managed his anger consistently for the last month. I’ve felt less confined. I’ve felt less scared to talk about how I feel. But there is still discomfort and I wonder if I have lost my heart in it.

So where I am now is that I have lost my heart and trust in it and in him. I care about him and like being around him. I would like to not be in it and feel the best thing for me is to not be in it. But I am afraid of hurting him. Of knowing I will walk away and he will be hurting. Badly.

The last time I called things off and there was a 2 week silence, he shaved his head in the middle of the night with a bic razor. He also would call me over and over and over again. 12 times in an hour. 32 text messages in two days. 10 emails in one night when I was sleeping.

And I am still boggled at why I just spent yesterday and last night with him? Am I that afraid of being alone? Am I addicted to being in a place of wanting to subconsciously be the one to heal someone?

It’s like, now that I am spending time with him again, he is on his best behavior and I am loving it but also wondering if and when he will crack again. I have no trust in it.

I don’t want it and don’t like the feeling.

I should start going to church.

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