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Archive for June 25th, 2008

Do I actually think he is an alcoholic? That he has a problem with drinking?

Yes, yes I do.

I didn’t transfer this over from my blogspot hosted blog, but I dated Chef before I dated Steam. And Chef was a recovering alcoholic. I never knew him when he was drinking. But the way he behaved was that of a person drinking sometimes. Selfish. Inconsiderate. Barely hanging on coping in life as he was. I don’t think he wanted to drink, but I think his coping mechanisms for life were out of the ordinary.

Now Steam, on the other hand…if I felt like drinking and I was with him, it was a blast until he got loud and annoying and wouldn’t stop nuzzling my neck and putting his head on my shoulder and getting all sappy and emotional and weird and uncomfortable.

I once had a friend who said “the minute a guy starts to nuzzle me, that’s it.”

And I discovered that there is nothing worse than a guy nuzzling, putting his head on my shoulder and looking up at my with adoration. Call me crazy. I suppose it is because it is a sign of weakness to me and I don’t want my man to be weaker than me. Sorry guys.

I think back to red flags when I was with Steam.

After just over a month of seeing each other, he bought a boat on ebay and drove to Buffalo to get it. I remember him saying “I got this for US, for our FAMILY!” Talk about pressure.

And then, Steam and I had only about three dates and then I had plans with “D” and Kat to go out to the piano bar one night last summer. Steam asked if I would call him when I was home and maybe we could get a drink since I would be done at a reasonable hour. Well, Kat and “D” and I made a change of plans and went to eat at the place next door to the piano bar. When it was time to walk him, I suddenly realized, across the street, walking fast, with a purpose, was Steam. And I saw his car parked. I put myself in between my two friends and pretended not to see him and I am not certain he saw me because I found out later how drunk he already was.

When I got home, I had to decide if I would call him or not. Having him arrive when I was clearly out with friends and we had plans to meet up later (which means, I am going out with my friends alone). The relationship hadn’t quite begun yet, well, I felt he was pushing some boundaries.

But I called him and found out he was down at the piano bar. And he lied to me and told me he had gotten to the area an hour earlier (when it had only been 15 min since i saw him arrive) and he’d eaten dinner there too while waiting for me. I know that was a lie.

So, stupidly, despite the weirdness of it all, I went back out down to the piano bar. And there he was sloshed out of his mind, singing LOUDLY along with the piano man and high-fiving people (or trying to) who were not on equal plane with him in the drink.

And when I sat down next to him, he started swaying with the music, singing loudly, and nuzzling me.

I cringe to think about it, to this day.

One older gentleman looked over at Steam and said tactfully “I think it’s time for you to go home, buddy!”

And that is when I feigned tiredness and got him to leave.

Red flag anyone?

In February, my car was in the shop in New Hampshire and so we drove up to get it, and his son, who lives there with his mother. On the way home, I followed them back in my car. When we got to their place, I noticed Steam carrying three empty beer bottles and he actually told me he drank them ON THE WAY HOME. Did mention it was IN A SNOW STORM. WITH HIS SON IN THE CAR?

So, I brought it up and he agreed that his judgment call on that was a bad one. (ya think?)

It hasn’t really been a problem since then until he invited us out on the boat to the beach with his son. With my children.

That being said, Steam and I haven’t talked since the day I left him the voice mail. In fact, our last conversation was the one that morning when I explained to him my lack of trust in him and his drinking.

I am grateful he didn’t call me and hasn’t called me. I do get emails and text messages on occasion but that I can handle because I can choose to read or respond or not.

Today, I got three emails from him.

I paste them in here:

1) Hi, I still think about you you, love you and miss you. Love, Steam
2) I still think about you all the time. It isn’t important that you reciprocate that sentiment so I hope that by me telling you this, you don’t feel pressure.
Secondly, I miss you. I miss your face, I miss your smile, I miss your laugh, I miss our talks, I miss holding your hand…I miss everything. Again, I am just explaining how I feel and in no way expect the same type of feelings in return so no pressure. I’ve done a lot of thinking and realize now that it was all just a game. A game and I lost for not being all that familiar with your rules or your outlook. I’m sorry for overestimating what you were seeking in a relationship. Lastly, I love you. I love who you are despite your feeling that I didn’t or that I disapproved of you. Also, despite the fact that you don’t want to be with me anymore, that feeling will never change. I’m sorry we didn’t communicate properly so you knew this…I mean really knew this…
Anyway, just some random thoughts that I needed to convey to you. Again, I hope that you are well and that you got a good report today. I hope that you’re happy and feeling like you’re in a good place.
Take care of yourself…
Love always, Steam
3) I have started an eating plan by cutting out flour and sugar and it really seems to have helped my overall mood(s) and sense of well being…it’s a pretty cool feeling…I’ve dropped a lot of weight as I have been exercising regularly and following this plan…The patches didn’t work. I developed a rash, but I still am not smoking or drinking…Just thought you’d like to know that stuff about me and what I’m doing to improve myself and my life…
Love, Steam

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