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Archive for July 14th, 2008

UPDATE: just in.

In answer to some of the comments on the previous post, I don’t block the emails because I want to read them if he is taking the time to write and send them…that way I know what frame of mind he is in. If I get an angry one (and I have gotten an angry few that I have not posted here), I want to know he is angry. If he is going to kill himself, I want to know. If he is going to show up at my house or threaten or whatever, I want to know what is going on in his head. This email below sounds normal to some but to me, it is this passive aggressive non-stop thing that is really bothering me. There is no point for him to send this, he has been having a one-sided conversation with himself for weeks now.
Here it is, just in:
Hi…
I was just thinking of you and hope you had a great weekend. I had a great one. This was the first weekend this summer that didn’t end in torrential downpours and it was nice. I hope you, the girls, your Mom, your Dad, his girlfriend and your sister are all well. I also hope you’ve been able to do a lot of painting and it’s going well for you.
Take care of yourself.
Love,
Steam
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So, say, you call things off with someone for the fifth time or so and you know it is IT. IT IS OVER. What, nearly two months ago?

And you make it clear. And the talking part is over and he’s no longer in your contact list on your cell phone.

And your last response to him told him you were no longer comfortable with the email banter back and forth every week and it was time to say goodbye.

Well, is it bad to hit “delete” when you get three more emails from him? How about two more after that? And not respond? I mean, WHAT IS THE FUCKING POINT HERE?

Yes, we shared about 8 months together. Half of which was wonderful and adventurous and felt like a team and partners and well into love in many many levels.

The other half was abusive and spiteful and competitive and manipulative and was squashing my self esteem. And in return, I was causing him anxiety and causing him to drink and get angry and downright mean. And then turn the next day into a sweet loving caring apologetic man.

I also need to note that these emails are similar if not identical to about ten others I have gotten and not responded to.

Did I already ask the question: WHAT IS THE FUCKING POINT in these emails? Is he selling himself?

  • Email 1 from Steam:
I hope that you had a great Fourth of July weekend and you were able to get out and about and have some fun. I went into Boston for the fireworks and the Pops. Oh, and Rascal Flats and had a great time. I then went up to Portsmouth with my sister Jen and met one of the Top Chefs, Andrew, and I also met Rae Dawn Chong…I don’t know if you know who she is, but she has been in a lot of movies and is the daughter of Tommy Chong of Cheech and Chong fame. I recognized her right off and began talking with her. Evidently, she lives in Durham, NH as well as LA and Vancouver. It was really kind of wild because I really liked her in a couple of her movies when I was a kid.
I’ve also been going out fishing a lot and getting lots of lobsters; big ones, in my traps. I haven’t been out clamming since the flats opened last week, but I hope to on Saturday. I’ve been working out a lot so I hope that I not too sore afterwards, but you never know as I probably haven’t been working the same muscles. I’ll see I guess.
I have also been sticking with my Mom’s food program and I feel and look a whole lot better. Between it and exercising a lot, I’ve lost almost 30 lbs. and dropped 4″ off my waist. I’m really feeling good about it, not to mention the extra energy that I have. Also, by cutting out the flour and sugar and the alcohol, my mood has improved dramatically . I don’t feel anxious or tired anymore and never do I feel so angry that I can’t cope constructively with any situation. It really feels good. 🙂
I had BB (his 95 year old great aunt) at the Emergency room the other night. She was extra confused, kind of listless and she couldn’t stay awake. I was really worried. As it turns out, she was mildly dehydrated and had the start of a urinary tract infection. She now has an antibiotic and is starting to get back to her “old” self.
Everyone else is well. I have S (his son) the week after next for vacation and I’m really looking forward to it. I don’t know what we’ll do exactly, but we have many options. One thing that we’ll probably do for sure as long as the weather remains hot is go to Water Country again. It was so much fun yesterday, that I bought a season pass for the both of us. Now we have to go… 😉
Well, that’s about all I can write now and probably more than you care about so I’ll close for now.
Again, I hope all is well with you and your daughters and you’re having a great Summer thus far. Good luck with any new relationships you have formed. I hope that you eventually find what you’re looking for in one of them. It still saddens me that I wasn’t it enough for you to want to make it work.
Take care of yourself and be careful out there. Not everyone is as understanding about things as me.
Best regards and, dare I say, love,
Steam
  • Email number 2:

Please do not misinterpret my last e-mail. I know you’re probably eons away from the place you and I shared last year and life is much better for you without me in it. I can and have accepted that, but I wanted to say ‘Hi’ nonetheless. That’s all. Best of luck with with everything in front of you.

  • Email number 3:

I still love you, for what it’s worth, even if you don’t care, I need to tell you. Even after all this time.

AND THEN

the next day, I got these two emails:

  • Email number 1

Subject: Just so you know…I don’t think I’ve said it, but THANKS!

…for all of the wonderful things that you did for me and my family while we were together…thanks for all of your gifts…from the french press, to mending my shorts, washing the quilts, baking me pies, cooking me dinners, welcoming me into your family, the books, the paintings, the t-shirts, the notes, the lessons you taught me, the feelings we shared and the LOVE! Thank you for EVERYTHING!!
I didn’t realize it until now, but I am really thankful for what we shared, extremely saddened that it ended, but grateful to have known you…
No matter what happens between us going forward, I will never forget you or what we once shared…I wish that there was some way to regain it…oh well…
Thanks again, best regards, hopes, wishes and LOVE…
  • Email number 2
Subject: More random thoughts…hopefully the last…
I also apologize for challenging you so much. Now that I have a clearer head and with hindsight being 20/20, I have come to realize what I was doing to you, to us, very clearly and I have a lot of regret surrounding it all. I realize now that what we shared wasn’t a lie. I know it was genuine. However, my behavior, coupled to yours, really made it impossible for either one of us. I thank you for your patience as well as the passion that you put into making us work. I realize now that with the way we were acting as people, we couldn’t go on together. That is why I am trying to identify and resolve any issues that I have right now so that I don’t go through life repeating them. They stem mostly from me not really being in my right mind. It really is amazing to me how much better I feel, how much clearer I think and how much more energy I have without the sugar/flour/alcohol. I mean I am not tired and irritable anymore so it has really freed up my mind. Subsequently, the insight I’ve gained so far is tremendous. It’s almost my epiphany! 😉
Well, again, just random thoughts I’ve had since going through my process.
I hope you had a great day and were able to enjoy the weather to its fullest.
Best regards,

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