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Archive for July 17th, 2008

That’s how I feel today.

Cranky and flighty.

I’ve spent the last week or two wanting a pizza. But I haven’t gone out to get one and am not quite sure why. I suppose it’s because the moments I can actually go get one, I find I don’t want it. At midnight when the kids are in bed and I’m done working, I want that pizza.

The other day the girls left for dinner with their dad at five and I had a few hours to myself. I sat down and watched a Tivo’d episode of “Army Wives” and fast forwarded through “So You Think You Can Dance”.

I wanted a pizza but instead, ate things I thought might replace that desire I had.

I ate popcorn.

And a toasted Pop Tart.

And fizzy water.

It didn’t really cut it.

I still wanted a pizza and beer.

It’s isn’t just “pizza for dinner”, because I can always take the kids out for pizza. It’s more that I want it at midnight, sitting in front of “Sex and the City” episode 4 of season 3 from Netflix, with an entire pizza I have no intention of finishing.

Summer’s half over. It is hard to believe. Red has had math tutoring a few mornings a week for the last few weeks and it appears the whole subtraction thing is throwing her for a loop. Unfortunately, I am reminded of my struggle with math and the concept of what it means.

“Ooooooh! Subtraction! THAT means ‘take away’.”

Or “multiplication! THAT means “add this number to itself, this many times”.

That’s how it is for me at the moment. Like I am just kind of floating around.

Little bits of confusion and then some clear moments.

I have a few friends who call recently, who at some point in the conversation ask “How are you doing? Are you okay?”

I called a girlfriend yesterday to say hello and didn’t leave her a message because I figured I would try her back later. She saw me on the call log and was in the midst of chaotic events with her children but called back, saying “I’m just making sure you’re okay”. Funny, in that instance, I am not sure she has any reason to feel that I’m not.

I sound okay, don’t I?

I’m digging the piano man at the piano bar quite alot and we’ve bartered guitar lessons for artwork. We’ve spent other time than that. Had lots of breakfasts. A dinner. My face hurts from laughing. And for once, my head doesn’t hurt from thinking too much. After our recent guitar lesson, he asked why I moved here, so it went on into the divorce a little bit. And in the end he looked at me thoughtfully and said “but you are doing really well now, aren’t you? You’re good.”

And I thought “glad you think so.”

I think I have come to accept that part of life is that there is an ache in all of us.

An ache for something.

Whether it be for that middle of the night pizza, happiness in profession, yearning for children, wanting and aching for real love and partnership with pure joy, trust and safety. Little and big things. I am too tired to list it all, much less think it all. I know there is alot out there to ache for.

Like sleep.

This morning I woke up weary.

Up in the middle of the night with a 5 year old nearly drowning in sweat and pee…add a tantrum upon sheet changing over the pillows and stuffed animals not being returned to their proper spots around her, and you have one tired “me”.

Up shortly after falling asleep again, to a 7 year old climbing in bed and squishing her butt up against me while she cried about her bad dream and wiggled around so that she finally fell asleep, clutching at the front of my nightgown and snoring and sweating against my chest.

I slid out of bed finally and lay down on the couch…around 5am I got up, thankful for a bit of light and figured the light and a pot of coffee would be better than trying to eek in more of the kind of rest that I really needed.

Do we all do this? Do all moms do this? Motherhood is number one for me and I feel guilty in saying that I sometimes feel it isn’t complete enough for me. And maybe it’s because I feel I don’t always feel like I am doing a good enough job at it. I imagine some days, that my children are going to bed at night disappointed in their mother.

Being a single mum is more empowering for me than anything, but there are times I wish for that someone else to climb out of bed and tend to things. Yet on the flipside, I want to do it all myself. I am proud in a way that it is what I chose and what I am doing. I take no pride in admitting that some days I want to strangle myself and need to walk away and tap into something else that fills me up for the moment, something that separates me from my children.

Lately it has been a yearning for that pizza.

Or something really really healthy.

Oh, the conflict.

And then the kids go off with their dad and off to school and go to sleep at night and I am left with myself in the end.

I feel kind of unorganized, overall.

In my thoughts, I wonder if I am capable of maintaining a healthy relationship…will I ever fucking EVER be able to be in that place I imagine with someone? It’s not like I want it right now, or I want anything. I am just tired of it. But someone crosses my path who touches me and I see it as promising and then think to myself “is this going to turn to shit too?” and “What the hell is my problem and my role in these experiences that contribute to their demise?” So I don’t really plan anything or expect anything. I just go with the flow.

I feel a bit disgruntled.

Where am I headed professionally as the time draws nearer for the girls to both be in school 5 days a week, all day?

Personally, I’d like to think I will have some sort of structure to my days, balance between working out, house work, painting and selling. Mostly, I worry that I am not finding the joy in it that I feel I should be feeling. Or that I am producing plain old crap.

I don’t feel confident at the moment about stuff.

I warned you, look back up to the top there at the title of this post.

“Cranky unorganization and feeling flighty”.

Woot.

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Painter girl

I am a painter.

If you used to read the Blogspot version of “Stepping Over the Junk”, you remember some of it.

I hung a show in May at a local place and it was really really cool. I have another show booked for October. Until then, I am working on new stuff and doing biz with some publications and private clients.

I’ve somehow managed to keep working this summer. Usually it stops, business just stops in the summer. But not this year and I am grateful. I paid off the girls’ art camp!

I spent a large portion of the weekend painting and I decided to just post some photos. If you would like a link to my professional website or are interested in a piece, please email me at steppingoverthejunk@gmail.com.

A 65×26 acrylic and water on wood (mounted on my living room wall)

“Snack Bowl” 11×30 unframed watercolor

“Pomegranate Cut” 20×10 unframed watercolor

“Line of Buoys” 11×30 unframed watercolor



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