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Archive for December 2nd, 2008

Annoying

I can’t remember how much I had transferred over onto this wordpress blog, about The Chef. In case you are fairly new, I’ll tell you, I dated him for a few years when I was going through my divorce and after it was final. He was an important part of my life at the time but it was easy to move on when I realized he wasn’t going to contribute to a nurturing and close relationship filled with love and respect and honesty.

Anyway, I know Chef had my very first blog address, a few years ago. Then he searched for the second one. And as you know, I changed my url a few weeks ago to throw off local folks. In the back of my head, knowing that Chef continues to read here and there (sometimes more than others), I was thinking “oh good, he’ll stop reading”.

Well, it appears I’ve thrown off local towns-folk but the Chef, well, he’s still reading. I saw him go to the old blog and then not long after, saw him at the new blog. He obviously has gotten good at searching other blogs who link to me to find me again, knowing I will continue to read and comment on ones I read.

It’s fine, but I mean, I wonder what the point of that is? He wants to read about my life so badly? My life? After all this time?  A life without him because I couldn’t handle how he lived his life and he could care less about mine, or being in mine unless he was the sole beneficiary of the time he spent here?

Anyway, it’s annoying. I have nothing to hide, but I find it super annoying. And kind of creepy.

I wish he’d let it go and go away. It feels invasive. Which is hilarious since blogging is “putting our lives out there and strangers are reading and knowing me.” That doesn’t bother me for some reason, but having Chef reading it is super annoying.

I think the worst is that I know him well enough that he’s sitting there reading and analyzing me and my life and probably analyzing J and our relationship and has all sorts of things to say to himself in his head to make himself feel better about himself. I find him to be a very very lonely person by nature, merely because he puts himself there… and it makes me feel weary for him, that he’s continuing to follow me through the blog.

Does he like what I write about J? The kids? What?

I ain’t changing the url again.

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