Archive for January 15th, 2009

Feels like zero


I can’t believe I am saying this on a day that feels like zero degrees (seriously, the weather man said it’s six degrees but “feels like zero”), but I actually felt some hope, some promise, that Spring is coming…why? Well, because a few weeks ago at 4:30 it was pitch black. At 5:00 tonight, I watched the sun set and it was still light out.


I know, it’s still January and there is alot more of this to come. More storms. More ice. More “feels like zero” degrees.

Regardless, the fact that I went to an island a few weeks ago and will be there again next month, really helps me not feel this “zero” too badly. I don’t gripe so far this winter. I don’t mind shoveling. I don’t mind staying home and not going anywhere. I work from home so my commute doesn’t entail me to warm up the car or worry about “hat head”. 

In four weeks, I am flying back south to visit J again on another island, his second winter gig. This is an amazing blessing because we didn’t think we’d be able to manage it financially.

I had a friend in California “place an order” for a few paintings right around the holidays. Now Tom, my friend, who I met a few years ago, had been in my sister’s shop and saw her wearing a t-shirt I designed. He asked where to get one and she directed him to me, online. In the end, he has become my number one fan for my art. Who would have thought an artist could feel such moral support from a “client” so far away?

Anyway, during this transaction, I made mention of the attempt for a second trip to see J. An $1800.00 attempt.

And then shortly after, I received an email from Tom. He was offering his frequent flier miles for me and “that lucky piano player”.

I declined.

And then it came up again. 

There was some discussion about him trying to at least see if it was possible to get me a flight, and then I could decide if I would accept.

Shortly after, I had a voicemail saying he’d tentatively booked me on a flight, and to please let me know if the dates were correct and for me to let him know my full legal name as well as my passport number so he can finalize the ticket.

Finally, I didn’t know what to say, except what he suggested I say: “I accept. Thank you.”

I sent his check back for the art he ordered and still feel like sending him my entire collection…and for all these weeks following, still feel the good kind of shiver through me, grateful for his kindness and offer and that it was given to us through alot of love.

I feel like I owe him the world. This year, I have felt  a slight financial burden, as many folks have. And although I would have just put that damn ticket on my credit card and worked it out later (I am one who has never had credit card debt, ever, until this year, when I had to buy my laptop, but I JUST paid it off this month), this has eased the strain on both J and me, both financially as well as emotionally, for the upkeep of “us”.

Although I sound nice and grounded about J being gone this winter, there are many many times, I privately don’t feel like I am because his absence is felt. There are more times than none that I wish he were here napping on my couch or down the street playing the piano or walking with me to get the girls from school. Every night I think about him getting into bed with me, how he rubs my back or if I wake up in the middle of the night, he wakes up too and runs his fingers in my hair, until I fall asleep again. I feel alot, how for now, he’s not here.

The connection we have stays alive through our daily conversations and emails that are collecting in my inbox as small “love notes” and records of sharing of what goes on in our days, while we’re apart.  I am glad for the  notes he sends in the middle of the night after he is home from work, telling me about his tips, about the great people in the club or the annoying people in the club…the notes that might sometimes say he’s lonely for me and can’t wait to get back to “normal” here. 

You know.

The “I love you” emails.

There’s a bit of a sting though now, knowing his Spring gig is almost scheduled for certain. It will complete his current obligation to the agent he signed up with before he met me last year. He’ll be home for a few weeks in March and then head back out for a two week private gig on a yacht.

Possibly he’ll be home a little bit at the beginning of April . Maybe not. And then home for good on June 1st.

I’ve pushed this Spring aside, mainly because I’ve been just trying to stay “even” during the winter.

At any rate, Skype still blesses us. As does the upcoming trip in February that Tom so graciously and lovingly helped us with.

J just said to me today “31 days until I see you again!” and then he said, “Your friend is amazing, he is amazing. What an amazing thing he’s done for us.”

And it’s true.

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Comfort Food Today

Despite that I forget to eat often when I am busy or stressed, when I crave something it is usually something comforting in the winter.

Today it was this.

Because it was a whopping ten degrees.

And windy.


big block of extra sharp cheese


this would be Fox Hollow Farm mustard

it’s got balsamic vinegar and garlic in it.

I live for it.


resulting in the best grilled cheese sandwich ever (on sourdough)

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