Archive for January 24th, 2009

The other day, I cried


Note to self: check mascara before leaving house, after crying.


I cried a bit the other day and then left to get the girls from school without looking in the mirror. I was doing the “goth” look and fortunately ran into a good friend who warned me about my makeup running down my face before anyone else saw me.

J got his dates for his Spring European gig. Turns out it is for 8 weeks.

It piggy backs his two week yacht gig at the end of March.

Ten weeks. And I won’t have the time to get away and see him during that time.

He’s playing on a fancy boat over there. And then two different clubs.

After our conversation about it, when he sadly broke the news, I was trying hard not to show him I was upset. I’m baffled because we knew he’d be gone in the Spring, but were aware there was a possiblility we’d have a little time in April before he left.

We will. But it will be just 24 hours.

Apparently, I was not so transparent because shortly after signing off Skype, I got an email from him saying he could see I was upset and he was sorry and he was depressed about the schedule and disappointed we didn’t have more time in between.

I could see it in him too.

Heavy for both of us.

There are some magic dates.

February 14th I fly to see him for a week on another island.

March 1st, he is home for two weeks.

March 30th he is home at midnight. Flies to Europe on April 1st.

June 1st, he is home for good.

We didn’t talk again that day, but wrote some emails back and forth that were sad, sweet and then uplifting as we both worked it out inside ourselves so we weren’t so “it’s the end of the world” and  we could carry on.

When I woke up the next morning, an email was waiting for me that told me why he loved me. Which was a reminder to me of why he is coming back.

What’s another ten weeks, huh? It’s definitely worth the wait.

I’ll end with a story that makes me choke up just thinking about it.

Red was counting on the calendar the weeks until J gets home. It seemed the appropriate time to explain that he would be home for a few weeks and then be heading back out for work for another ten weeks. I broke it up, telling the girls that first he’d be on a yacht in the tropics and then fly to Europe to work on a bigger boat. And then he’d be on land there working in a few clubs. Red sat there, her face turned red and her eyes teared up and she just stopped and stared at me. 

Startled, I said, “Oh honey, he’ll be home before school is out!” thinking she was upset he’d be gone again for so long.

Her response? “Mommy, I don’t want anything to happen to him while he is on the boats like those fishermen who died!”

I’ve mentioned before, I live in a fishing town. A few weeks ago, two of our local and well known fishermen were killed at sea in the middle of a frigid night.

My brilliant ex-husband apparently was reading the newspaper and shared the information with my 6 and 8 year old little girls.

They came home last week and Red said, “Mommy, Daddy said some fishermen from here died at sea?”

And I explained that it was a freak horrible accident, and yes, it did happen.

Her fear that the same thing would happen to J was touching, emotional and scary.

Of course, I am aware that on any boat, there are risks. There are risks in anything we do and anywhere we go. I don’t think J will be in danger. I explained the difference between the boats he’d be on compared to the small fishing boat that sunk and then she was okay.

As I mentioned before, she has been writing little emails to J and he responds to her. Pretty short but sweet stuff. That night she sent him an email and today I went into my sent box to save it and saw what she wrote.

It said, “It’s pretty lonely without you here. We miss you.”

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