Archive for March, 2009

six and a half weeks

finallyspringflowersHere’s a painting I did a few years ago. It feels fitting since today is foggy but Spring-like. Tomorrow will rain. But winter is certainly falling more behind us that in front of us.

Six and a half weeks.

That’s how much longer until we can get on with it.

I mean really.

J’s traveling for the last 6 months for work has meant that our relationship went into “love based on visits, Skype  and emails”.


Otherwise, I might start resenting his being gone if he goes away again like this.

He heads to Europe on Tuesday after landing at midnight the night before, to be with us for approximately 18 hours.

I pretty much suck at ironing. I cleaned his white shirts and had his suit dry cleaned for him. I should have sent the shirts in too, but I didn’t. I sucked at the ironing part but I figure he’s got to fold them in the duffel bag and iron them when he gets there anyway…so…I may be a domestic person, but I-just-can’t-iron. (don’t want to, either).

So last night, we were talking and I looked at him and said seriously, “I don’t want to do this again. Ever.” 

What I mean, is, “I don’t want to have a long distance relationship for a matter of months at a time. I just don’t.”

And he goes, “Don’t worry, I hate it. It’s never ever happening like this again.”

I’ve just applied for a big local art show that is for charity. It is juried and I saw it for the first time last June and it was so neat, I am dying to be a part of it. I sent in my application and slides and will hear by May 1. I’ve felt so uninspired lately, I almost didn’t apply. I almost blew it off. I find that despicable. 

Because I have been so sick, I’ve been a little depressed. Unfortunately, in the midst of emotion and tired-ness on Skype with J the other night, I said (while crying) “I am just not excited about anything…I don’t feel good about things…”

Oh gosh, that is the WRONG thing to say while bawling your eyes out to your true love who is floating around on a boat and unable to be around for some good solid discussion.

When I said all that, I was talking about my art, being sick, isolating myself from friends because I’ve been wrapped up in some jobs this winter. I feel like other than being a mom, I should be doing something really great with my passions and feel stalled and uninspired and confused by it sometimes. That’s normal, isn’t it? I was feeling it, especially the other night..

So yikes, the next morning I woke up and emailed J and said, “Gosh, it is important for you to know that the one thing I AM excited about and inspired by, other than the kids, IS YOU!!!!”

Yeah, the night before, I left out that little bit.

Unfortunately, he had spent some time wondering what he had done.  And  it wasn’t even about him. We cleared that up, big time, quickly.

I’m excited about what he and I can do together in our lives, going forward. I’ve been ready for it for months and months. Since he left.

It’s gonna be good. It’s exciting. It’s exactly what I want.

Aren’t I lucky, that it’s exactly what he wants too?

He’s arriving around 1am on Monday night and we’ll wake up and get the girls to school and spend Tuesday together. Spend the afternoon after school with the girls.

Later that evening, I am driving him back to the airport.

Talk about a teaser.

Just six and a half more weeks. The final stretch. Seems minute compared to what we have already done.

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Scraps of paper, scraps of life

I find scraps of paper that Red writes and leaves lying around the house and started keeping them. Some in particular are favorites. As well as things that come out of their mouths, randomly. I love how their minds work. You know? So here are some things:

Journal of Red January 21, 2009
“Once there was a mom and dad they wer enot one yet, but hey were about to become one. They coud not find a name for their baby. Then one midnight, her water broke.”


From a piece of paper Red left on my desk for some reason:

Dear Journal, school is still going great! But remember Joshua or Josh? Well, today he through a pencil at my eye! But thank goodness it did not hit me in the eye! I was so mad!


The other night, Blue came down the stairs, she was supposed to be ASLEEP and asked “How come I can’t wiggle JUST my pinky toe?”


On Monday morning, after three days of being away from my children, I walk in their dad’s front hallway to pick them up. Usually, they come running and hug and jump and talk my ear off. But they were both a little lethargic, tired and slow as they sidled up to me. I crouched down and Red kind of leaned into me. Blue walked right up so her face was level with mine and we were looking into each other’s eyes. I thought she was about to say something profound, but instead, she stuck her finger up her left nostril and exclaimed, “Mommy, this side of my nose is ALL PLUGGED UP.”


I found a note paper with this scrawled on it from about a year ago. I know it was a year ago because that is when our friends moved, per the note:

“Dear Notebook, I so this boy at Matthew and Connor’s haws he was cute andmatthew and coner are living tomorrow and I will miss them. Daddy is cuming and the day after tomorrow we are going to florida from Red.”


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I’ve been Nightstand Tagged


I was nightstand tagged (by A Witches Way) a while back and only just realized it when I was getting to some blog reading. My excuse is that I was naked on an island for a week at the time I was tagged. And then spent the last week getting caught up with things with work and home. And then, getting ready for J to come home for a few weeks. And then we had the the few weeks together. And then I’ve been sick in bed for over a week now.

So, I have been delayed.

But here you go.

My nightstand.

The table is an antique  that actually can pivot flat vertically. Hard to explain. But take my word for it. Kind of like a drop leaf table but the whole damn thing is one leaf…and you slide the thing underneath out and the thing pivots and goes vertical. I guess it was the folding table of the old days.

On it is a lamp my mom gave me that she had made from a cool clay pot. Hanging on it is a necklace that Blue made me in preschool last year.

My jewelry box is next to the lamp. Right out in plain view for robbers to come and steal my grandmother’s jewelry. No sense in hiding it in the closet or under the bed. Just make it easy to be grabbed in an instant. Framed photos of the girls and me. A framed photo of J. A bowl of tiny things like bobby pins, jewelry that I take off at night, lip balm, pencils and trinkets I collect from my bed that the girls leave behind is hidden behind some of the frames. (Just for “hiding clutter’s sake”) (thumb tacks. WTF?) Ah, the bowl, I made in ceramics class in college. But you can’t see it. It’s hidden.

My clock is a cool moonbeam thing from LLBean. It blinks light at first for the alarm and I thought for sure, the thing wouldn’t wake me up. Oh, but it did. J and I have the same experience when the alarm goes off. We dream of flashing lights in our dreams and then we wake up and realizing it is the soft glowing blinking of the alarm clock. Better than the loud blaring that happens if you don’t wake up to the light after ten minutes.

I always have a few books there. I am currently reading my friends’ book, “Bad Cop”. (by Paul Bacon) It’s hilarious. I highly recommend it. He was recently in the NY Times. 

The mirror, well, I have nowhere else to keep the thing. So I just keep it there. I don’t use it. I bought it on Long Island in an antique shop when I was just out of college. I like it. I never use it. But I keep it.

Since I share all, I will add a little story. Something that you can’t see that WOULD be on my nightstand if I lived alone without kids and didn’t have the prospect of my mother stopping by at any time, is some of this.

We like it.

So, the morning J was flying home a few weeks ago, I went to get a new bottle at the market, along with another $150 worth of groceries since I’ve pretty much been eating cereal and toast for the last few months and now it is time to start making meals again for my man.

Anyway, so I stashed it amongst my groceries, not really thinking anything about it.

And then I get in the grocery checkout line, (I know this has happened to many many people) thinking, oh cool, I will get to say hello to Heather! Now, Heather is the checkout lady. She is also a mom at the school. I really dig her, she is pretty cool, as is her husband. She is very sweet, with a childlike quality about her, sort of naive even. 

And then I started putting everything on the belt and half of my cart was unloaded and suddenly realized “I can’t go back!” because MY GOD the KY Intrigue is sitting there on the belt, amongst the English Muffins, yogurt and raw chicken!!!

I just pretended I didn’t know it. She must have pretended to not know it. Or maybe she really didn’t know it.

All I know is that for now on, I am going back to Drugstore.com or shopping for it on the outskirts of town.

Anyway, as a side note, I am now including this photo of my OTHER nightstand. It is on the other side of my bed, which is J’s side. 


Notice, it’s empty.

It used to have a bunch of books in it and a thing that holds rings and girlie lotion and all that.

I recently emptied it.

This is HIS bedside table, for when he comes home.

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Sicker than sick


I’ve been so sick this week with the flu. I thought it was just a mild cold at first and then BAM.

I’ve been messed up.

Caring for my girls’ everyday needs while I can barely move, breathe, eat, sleep….barely take care of myself, let alone them, has been a challenge. 

Somehow, though, my girls seem to know when I’m dead serious and they’ve been angels. They’ve needed me less, meaning, they can throw away their own trash and get their own water and put their socks on without a fuss. Red even brushed her own hair the other morning! (okay, the other mornings, they went to school with unbrushed hair, but hey, I have the flu here). They’ve gone right to sleep at 7:30 (while I went to bed at 7:30). They’ve not fussed about dinner, even if it was grilled cheese for two nights in a row (whoops!). 

I learned a few things. It IS possible to go to sleep at 5:30pm and sleep for fifteen hours when you have the flu. When I have a burst of energy, I should NOT clean out the laundry room. Watching the movie “Ray” could possible take an entire three days. Renting a movie with subtitles just isn’t a good idea.  Everything tastes different. Even water.

This winter has been a long one, for illness in our family. I started with a sinus infection back before J left in November. And then the typical colds and such. Blue and Red were sick most of February and I spent about $200 in co-pays for doctor office visits. I also discovered that when I had Red tested for strep, when the initial test was negative in the doctor’s office, they sent it to the lab to allow it to “grow” to be sure she didn’t have strep for sure. Turns out, my nifty health insurance only covers PART of that.  


What are we paying all that money for if we aren’t covered for a test that gives us information so we can prevent STREP from going around? Shit.

So it wasn’t like I was gonna say “oh, that’s gonna cost me $50 on top of my $25 copay? NAW, let’s not do that one”.

I am seriously thinking next winter of getting one of those air filters for my house and meeting with an herbalist. 

On top of it all, although J is great at keeping in touch and I DID just get back from a week on an island with him and DID just have him home for two weeks, well, I am terribly terribly lonely for him. 

We’ll be together for a day next week and then it will be the final end to this stretch. Six weeks will be a breeze, compared to the previous four 1/2 months.

I can’t help but feel depressed sometimes, realizing that our relationship has existed mostly on distance, on visits, on Skype. It feels strong and I know everything is steadfast, but my GOD I am ready for this part to be over. Am I a whiny bitch or what?


Basically, what the experience of J traveling for work for months at a time has told me is, I COULD NEVER DATE A ROCK STAR.

Fortunately, J likes to be home too much and doesn’t want to be a rock star.  He has other ideas for what he is doing. And I love ’em. It’s nice that musicians (at least my musician) don’t always feel like  being a rock star is the finality of success in the music business.

It’s nice to feel like our dreams for ourselves individually are the same and our dreams for us as a couple and family, are the same. I am also proud at what this experience has done for him, both professionally (it’s been like boot camp for him) and financially (in the US, during the winter, he wouldn’t be making a fraction of what he is making now)

At any rate, I know I am on the upswing this weekend. The girls are with their dad for their weekend and I am sitting here on the floor slowly folding laundry and eventually I will do the dishes…in between naps, that is.  And Tivo. And tea and toast and whatever I can scrounge up that tastes and feels good.

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You just MacGuyvered that one


We have a saying “I’ll McGuyver that for you” or “I just McGuyvered this” and my favorite, “Honey, do you think you could McGuyver this for me?”

Down to the littlest things now, be it sealing up a slider in the Carribbean so the mosquitos don’t come in, to protect from the (FEVER NAME) and to J’s promise before leaving the other day to figure out a hanging system for our bikes in the condo storage closet so we can have more space for the beach gear. (seriously, how domestic does this sound?)

Even moreso, J’s suit was sitting here waiting to be mended and dropped at the dry cleaner’s so he can take it to Europe in a few weeks for his 6 week gig. The buttons needed strengthening. The cuffs needed re-hemming. When I got to the cuffs, I smiled to myself, I looked inside the pant leg and saw where he’d “McGuyver-ed” the falling hem with masking tape. Well, I McGuyvere-ed it right back, with thread.

In being a mom, and being a single mom, I find myself faced with things the kids need or want, things they ask for that often times either make me feel weak, baffled, or completely stupid.

Take homework for instance. Did McGuyver do homework? Sometimes, I need McGuyver (or Google) to help me understand my 8 year old’s math homework! Especially when they don’t come with instructions.

I “McGuyvered” Red’s blue jeans yesterday when she was freaking out about her belt not doing the trick…she kept bending over and pointing to her crack, saying “SEEE!!!! THIS DOESN’T WORK!!!!” Some sewing here and there and I’d fixed it so her crack didn’t show when she bent over. (as a side note, at home there are times I don’t wear a belt and will sit down and the kids are mutually entertained and mortified when they see my crack, but you know, that happens…)

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“Mommy, does it feel hot in here?”

“No, Blue, it doesn’t.”

“Oh. Okay Mommy.”

An hour later, the girls are asleep and although I am sick with yet another horridly annoying and uncomfortable cold and my temperature is all messed up, the house feels INCREDIBLY warm to me.

I check the thermostat and see that SOMEONE had turned it up to 80.

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Just ’cause I am lazy (and flat out with writing copy for a client’s website) today, I thought I would post some random photos.

p1030745Red and I taking photo of ourselves in the bathroom mirror one evening.

p1030779A few minutes later, my mom delivered a bag of home made cookies

p1030800Red made me three sandwiches one morning recently and labeled them. PB&J, PB & Fluff and plain jelly. I ate one of them and put the rest down the garbage disposal. But my secret is that I told her I ate them all.

p1030804A few weeks ago I sewed 20 bags for a friend who has a bag company. This is high end textile remnants that we made into shopping bags, you know, so you don’t use plastic. The money I made doing these, paid for my new iphone.

img_5815Me singing “Angel”. J is on the right. An amazing guitar player is on the left. 

lucky-ducksA painting I did this winter from a series of photos I took at a fair in the Fall.

p1020401An espresso cup full of hot cocoa and marshmallows

p1020911Bread baking in the oven

appletreeA random painting I did a gazillion years ago. An apple leaning against a tree.


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