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Archive for December 15th, 2016

Lucky

My sister’s in therapy and she calls me every Tuesday to talk about their session. So in a sense, we have our own therapy together because what she’s working on is what we all suspect or know is true…we are who we are, initially, because of our parents.

Unfortunately, I have days where my take on it is “my parents fucked me up” when it comes to relationships.

I realize it isn’t as cut and dry as that. As I identify and acknowledge where certain issues I have come from and the path I have taken to get to where i am, I still attribute it to beginning at around age three.

As a mother, that scares the shit out of me.

Through a string of abusive dating relationships to an empty marriage filled with control and manipulation, to floundering around in the dating life as a single mother, I still haven’t felt at peace with myself in a relationship. I feel at peace with myself as a person, as a woman, but there is some sort of disconnect in dating someone. Where either I’m not getting what I need or he’s not getting what he needs. (and it ain’t THAT people, get your mind out of the gutter).

In a way I think of it this way “do I love the kind of woman I am when I am with this other person?” Ultimately, I haven’t.

There are people in my life who I feel that way around. But there isn’t the opportunity to be with them for one reason or another.

I mentioned this to my sister the other day and asked “Wow, how do you and “T” (her husband) do it? You are always at peace and maintain your individuality, acceptance of each other and a mutual respect that radiates from you two. It’s like you don’t have to work that hard.”

And her answer was this: “Luck. I honestly think I just got really really really lucky.”

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