I used to say, up until recently, how messed up I was from abuse in relationships (see previous post). It was almost as if I was giving myself permission to have emotional issues, be upset about something, have some drama in my life. Did I genuinely think that I was not capable of taking care of myself, of allowing others to control me and what I did, wore, said…???? Well, yeah.
Alot of healing has come recently.
This summer, I confronted my abusers. There are 5 of them. With the help of my therapist, I tracked them down via the internet and 411. The purpose was to say “this happened and it made me feel this way”. I wasn’t attacking them or expecting or wanting a response from them, or an apology. It was merely a process for me letting go of it.
The first guy listened as I brought up specific incidents and how they made me feel. I spoke for about 4 minutes. He was quiet when I was done and all he said, quietly, “I’m sorry. I’m really sorry. I don’t do that anymore”. And then he hung up.
The second guy listened as the first guy did and at the end yelled “FUCK YOU, DON’T CALL HERE AGAIN!” and hung up. It made me shudder because his wife had answered the phone when I called.
The third guy, I found out was dead. I still haven’t figured out how. But he is dead.
The fourth guy was an emotional abuser, we actually have had some email conversing over the course of the last few years since his parents are friends with my mom and we had a continued connection with each other. I called him and I told him what I was doing and we discussed more and found true healing in the last few years in our correspondence. He was curious more, to hear how he affected me in the relationship.
The fifth guy, well, he was the worst. He actually asked me questions and wanted to talk more about it. He was calm and I actually think that perhaps he has attempted to move on from that behavior. But I cannot be sure. From what I know, abusive men cannot move on from that behavior very easily or speedily.
I dont feel ruined or messed up. I DID feel screwed up and screwed over at one point for a long time. Through the last few years of leaving my marriage and making a new life for myself and my girls, and going through the confrontation.
I have gained perspective and healing and realize I am my own boss of my emotions and with how I live my life, treat people, think of myself. No one can control that for me.
I was reading a story about the Amish dealing with the recent shootings and how the day after, the Amish started a fund for the family of the shooter. And some Amish families requested to attend the funeral of the shooter. Forgiveness. One man stated in an interview “the burdon the family of the shooter must feel is far greater than our own in loss of our children”. What a way to look at it. The men that hit me, whatever pain they are going through, whatever guilt they may feel, whatever unsettles them to feel the need to take it out on innocence, is far greater than what has been done to me by them. It just kind of clicked for me when I read that.
I realize that if I knew the pain of my worst enemy, I’d be at their feet in love.