If you ask me why I have four boxes of Nilla Wafers in my cupboard, I will say “it’s for the girls”.
I mean, they love ’em.
If you ask how many the girls have eaten by the end of the week, I will say “oh, about a handful.”
And don’t ask how many I’ve eaten. And that was just this week.
This morning I woke at 5:30 to my 5 year old playing the harmonica in her room. I walked in, sleepy-eyed and both girls were fully dressed in their princess dressups and crowns and heels. My 7 year old was sitting on her bed drawing pictures with crayons that aren’t allowed in the bedroom.
It kind of hit me, when I walked downstairs after a late night of talking to Steam on the phone, that no matter what’s going on in my head, my heart, my work, I have two little girls that stay steady and true, with continuing needs and habits and they offer surprises every day.
And so, I stayed up late, as many conversations with Steam go…defending myself and how I feel. In return, he’s defending himself and how he feels. And I keep saying over and over and over again, out loud, to him, on the phone, “I’m not happy and this isn’t working for me anymore.”
Have you ever heard of someone not allowing you to break up with them?
It is very very strange that I keep hanging up the phone and we’re still the same.
It is very draining.
I hung up last night saying “I need to let this go, I have go to bed.”
He hung up saying “Okay, I can’t wait to see you again soon.”
And I’m like, “I just told you I wasn’t happy anymore and I didn’t want this anymore and you behave as if I never even said it. What don’t you get?”
Unfortunately, I didn’t say it aloud.
Because I am a wuss. Even though it is really what I want, I am a wuss about change. And a wuss about standing up for myself. A wuss about trusting what comes out of my mouth.
The day with the girls has been slow and steady. We’ve had breakfast, watched tv, played teaparty, made colored snowmen with playdough. We walked down to the small village shop and got a pint of icecream and sat with spoons on their front walk, eating from the same bucket, watching neighbors drive by and talking to friends who were there shopping.
And again, it hit me, that we all still plug along with everyday needs and wants, especially when it comes to our children. And the revelation (not for the first time) that my greatest fear is having my girls more involved with him than they already are, for fear of them seeing some of what I’ve been experiencing… And so, what’s the point? The unease of the casual hour long meal, a beach trip, a quick hello reminds me that we are far far far from resolution.
And they have never seen him angry at midnight or answered the phone at 3am to a drunken call.
And they never will.
These revelations come from somewhere and often I see it as my opening my eyes to their world and what I want not only for myself but for them as little girls and for them as the women they are going to become.
And although I am a total wuss and can’t seem to just walk away, I need to for my girls.
The revelations come…God steers but I have to row.
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