Bad Language

Over the summer, I think I must have stubbed my toe an awful “lot”.We coupled a visit with my dad in Malibu with my sister’s wedding in Santa Barbara in July and the greatest thing in the world for the kids was dad’s swimming pool. The fact that we were there during the 100 degree weather (at the beach) made it the best thing in the world for me and a good excuse NOT to treck to Aneheim to Disney during the heat wave.

So, the first day, we get to the pool and Blue, age 3 at the time, starts muttering under her breath “dammit, dammit, dammit!”.

I looked at her and had to listen carefully to be sure I was hearing her correctly.

My dad looks at me.

“What did you say?” I ask her.

“Dammit.” she says, a little unsure of herself. (rightfully so)

“Where did you hear that word?” I ask.

She gets shy and shakes her head and splashes in the pool a little.

Red pipes up “She heard it from YOU, Mommy, when you stub your toe!”

Blue nods her head in agreement.

“No I don’t!!” I say.

(My dad is laughing hysterically at this point)

“Yes, Mommy, you also say SHIT!”

Needless to say, my language has been redeveloped closer to the “G” rating.

Now my kids mutter “Friggin” “Fudge” and “DARNITALL” “Shoot” and “Grody”.

 

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Overheard this Morning

Overheard this morning, a dialog between 5 (soon to be 6) and (now, as of today) 4 year old.Red: “Four years ago, Mommy got a baby. And that baby was YOU!”

Blue: “Meeee? Mommy GOT me? How did she get me?”

Red: “She got you from her tummy. She ate too many pieces of cake and then she got you out because there was no more room for you.”

Blue: “I like cake.”

Red: “THAT’S how come we have cake for our birthdays, because Mommy ate too much of it when we were in her tummy.”

Blue: “I want a purple cake.”

Red: “So, Mommy got you and now you are four and we will all be eating cake tonight.”

 

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Randomness

I think that every time I wash my sheets in the laundry and they go through the drier and I go upstairs to make my bed, I start to put the fitted sheet on the bed and find about a pair of underwear balled up in the corner of the sheet, having gone through the laundry that way, having not appropriately been dried since it was balled up in the fitted sheet. Note to self: dont wash sheets with underwear.

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I wish I’d had a camera. I was out for a run yesterday and came across a woman who had to have been about 85 years old, walking an enormous bull dog (which I heard her call “Daisy”). The woman was bending over wiping the dog’s ass with toilet paper after doing it’s thing on the sidewalk. Then she neatly put it in a ziplock baggie and zipped it up….saving it for later? Frugal woman re-using the tp on the next walk? Who knows. Again, I wish I’d had a camera. I couldnt stop laughing.

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Do you ever go into a Starbucks and have no idea where to stand? There are a million yuppie people standing around waiting for their drinks, maybe they ordered, maybe they are thinking of which of the 100 drinks they CAN order and then how on earth do they know it is THEIR Grande Peppermint Mocha no whip, and not MINE? EH????

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I knew I should have pulled Blue’s hair into a pony tail before she went to bed last night. I heard her sneezing a few times around midnight and sure enough, this morning, her hair was scraggled and crusty and sticking to her face with dried snot.

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Not the most refreshing smell in my house at the moment…I made some salmon for dinner in the oven AND varnished a canvas painting for a client.

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Pretending to Vote

I have always had a hard time standing up for myself and what I believed in. I suppose this is a preface to another blog entry, which might be a few weeks.

Part of my problem was that I wasn’t quite sure what I believed in, because I was always told what to believe or think or do. I allowed myself to be manipulated, intimidated, and hit when I decided to think for myself. WHO WAS I?

Towards the end of my marriage, when I was deciding that I had had enough of that, it was voting time. My husband came home from work and instructed me to walk down to the elementary school and place my vote for president, vice president, etc. And then he slipped me a little piece of paper, like he did every time it was voting time, with the his votes, as if giving me “answers” on a cheat sheet for tests. Can you frickin’ believe it?

I was pissed off at him for attempting to control this, among other things, I walked down to that voting machine and used his little cheat sheet and voted the absolute opposite of what he wished for…just because I could. I was stickin’ it to him. I didnt tell him I did that, perhaps it would have made me stronger to stand up to him and tell him to shove his list up his hairy ass. I moved out two months later instead.

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Robbed

I was recently thinking of something that happened a few years ago. I am a painter, as in art, not houses (if you dont include the mural work that I do), and a client bought a very large framed watercolor from one of my art openings.

About 6 months later he contacted me, telling me his apartment was robbed.

The following things were NOT stolen:

• his stereo
• his tv and dvd player
• his computer
• brand new $2000 bike

But he was robbed of the following things:

• the drain strainer from the kitchen sink
• stash of condoms
• down comforter
• electric toothbrush
• ladle
• bedroom curtains

….and finally, on their way out, the robbers grabbed my painting off the wall.

Somewhere out there, someone has a stolen piece of artwork of mine. Kind of creepy. Kind of cool.

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And on the “trillionth” day, she could hear

I can hear now.

Pretty much EVERYTHING.

I CAN HEAR MYSELF BREATHING.

I picked up my hearing aids the other day. For vanity purposes, I spent an extra $150 each to get the smallest possible. (the total being close to 4k….my life savings)

What I am realizing is this: I was missing a HELL of alot.

But I do think I am GETTING alot more than most people.

For instance:

• A flushing toilet is loud enough to think a tidal wave is over my head
• I can hear water running through the pipes
• I can hear the garbage truck in the next town over
• Volume of the television is comfortable at 16 instead of 37.
• I can hear the 3 year old yawning in the back seat of the car whilst the music is on
• I was pissed at 9pm the first night because I couldnt believe that the construction that I could hear out my kitchen window was STILL going on. And then I finally realized, it was the fridge humming.

Chef called to ask how I was doing with them and my response was “I can hear the toilet paper when I wipe.” And he says “you mean, you never heard that before? You’ve been missing out on hearing ALOT!” And I was like “YOU CAN HEAR THE TOILET PAPER WHEN YOU WIPE???”

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