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Archive for January 11th, 2009

wine-glass-2

I was drinking tonight and came back to write this. 

I met a woman on Facebook.

In fact, I was making a comment on a friend’s status that was talking about the island where J is at the moment.  This was a month or so ago. And a woman was responding to my comment, and we started responding back and forth and it turned out she knew the owners of the club where J is playing and we had some mutual local friends.

So we became instant friends through email.

Before Christmas we met in the shop where my work was showing, randomly. But I knew it was her and we hit it off immediately.

If we were lesbians it would have been perfect.

Anyway, tonight we met for drinks out a local bar and we were expecting another big snow storm. I was in my pajamas and she emailed me and said “hey, you want to meet for drinks?” And I was like, “why the hell not?” I changed out of my pajamas and brushed my hair and got in the car.

I had the most hysterical night ever.

We sat at the bar between about ten guys who were there eating pizza and drinking beer (and apparently some of them were smoking something) drinking wine and talking about shaving and waxing, bad marriages and sunbathing topless.

Imagine the guys around us, keeping one ear open, ordering more beer to stay longer to hear our conversation. A guy leaned over and said, “I’ve heard the words “boobs” and “naked” more than three times already”.

Oh, I needed this night, away from the isolation I’ve created with J away, I am so lonely for him.

NOT my usual style of writing, I know. 

LET’S BLAME IT ON THE DRINKING!!!!!!!!!!!

And this is not exactly what should happen when I am up for an award like this.

I was thinking about closure recently. What is it exactly and how do we come to find it completely? Is it actually possible?

I think that I feel closure with alot of things in my life like my parents divorce when I was 18, being beaten or controlled or manipulated, getting a divorce or hey, whatever.

But then, something comes up that opens up the door in my head and heart and then I’m like, “why can’t I leave this behind?” 

I think that maybe closure is a place we come to where we can change our thought about something. It may not leave us but our perspective changes and we can handle it differently as an ongoing process, forever. 

What do you think?

When someone says goodbye to us abruptly, be it through death, a move, a conflict or self preservation, we wonder if that is really “it”, if we are closed off to feeling something about it from that point forward. Honestly, I don’t necessarily want or need those folks back in my life, even if they graced it briefly. And then I realize it’s selfish of me to go there.

You may remember that I wrote about someone one named “Ohio” back in the summer.

If you followed along a while back, you would remember him. If not, well, imagine someone breezing into town and gathering up my trust and my willingness to open up and connect and then have him bail out on that pretty quickly. I thought we’d at least be friends. I know now, we couldn’t be, because of J. It wouldn’t be okay because I could have ended up somewhere in between.

You won’t find Ohio here on my blog anymore because I took it all out.

He was a brief moment in my life where I felt he cared and understood and then he decided it wasn’t worth it. He had too many things going on in his life to really care. And that was fine. It is what it is. But it still pisses me off that he told me to get lost, even if it was the best thing to do for him. And ultimately, it was the best thing for me. I knew it and within that I felt closure. I just wish I knew he was okay, could hear something sometimes.

I know he was nearby recently, more than once. I wrote a short note when his dad died and although I didn’t expect a response, I wanted a response…which to might mean to me that I don’t have closure. And that sucks for me. I don’t want anything still “back there” while I am so far ahead, finally.

Back in November when I changed my url to this blog, I changed it because someone local to my town found my blog and posted it on the town’s online forum. I realized they might put two and two together and figure out who Ohio was. And to protect him, I deleted what I wrote and changed my url. Because I didn’t want anyone to know how in such a brief few days he affected me and I wanted to protect him from anyone knowing he was here. The hilarious part is that I think I came across him on the town online forum, even though he doesn’t live here anymore. I recognize his writing. If not, it’s someone who’s alot like him, who sounds alot like him.

In essence and in the end, what I learned from him gave me the courage to accept J in my life, to take a risk and open it all up for J. And for that I am grateful. I met J, ultimately, because of Ohio in a way. My world changed and is still changing. My world has changed with J in it.

So now, Ohio’s gone from this blog and I’m okay with it. (I guess I still sound mad, but that is the part about “do I really have closure with this?). Is wondering how is is doing, closure? I wonder how he is doing, going through his own stuff. 

Remember Steam? Drunk, abusive Steam? He’s been calling my phone and not leaving messages, late at night. I found out he’s drunk 99% of the time and acknowledges to a mutual friend that he sees my number on his call list, of people he has called….and he doesn’t remember he called. I don’t answer. He doesn’t leave messages. He doesn’t have closure. I have closure with him because I know he was poison to me.

All in all, I think of J and how blessed I am that he is who he is…what you see is what you get. No games. No excuses. Everything is right out there in the open. We were and are ready for each other.

If I were still hung up on Ohio, I’d be waiting for a man who writes poetry but doesn’t make a change, I’d be with a man who protects everyone but himself. If I were with Steam, I would likely be trying to protect my face from being beaten and my kids from exposure to his anger.

But I am with J. Sweet J, with whom I am not afraid.  He reminds me of who I am, because I can be who I am.

So, I’ve been slightly drinking and am going to bed without my guy and for the first time in over a week, I feel so so sad.

Perhaps I shouldn’t drink like this.

Today on Skype I looked at J and said “I miss normal things with you, like going up to bed.”

And he looked at me and nodded. “We’ll get through these last few gigs and then I’ll be home and we’ll figure it out. I want us to have a regular life together.” 

I laugh because I’m a painter, he’s a piano player, and I have these two precious girls…there is nothing regular about that.

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