Archive for September 12th, 2008

I’ve upped and blocked him

I’ve just gone and blocked my exhusband, I mean, the girls’ father, in Facebook.

It never occurred to me to look for him there. But I had Facebook up today and Red looked over and said “Oh, Daddy has a Facebook too!”

Apparently, we have four mutual friends. I have a hundred and sixty something “friends”. He has 47.

40 of them are people we knew when we were married. People who stayed with him.

It’s fine. because those who stayed with me, are the best for me. Obviously. Makes sense.

He’s been a challenge lately. A bully. Annoying. Frustrating. A total asshole.

At least he is a good dad to the girls.

If he weren’t, I’d be madder.

When I was just starting out in the divorce a few years ago, he pounded me with threats and intimidation and tried to manipulate things so I would walk away what I was entitled to, including my children. In the end, it worked out the way it was supposed to work out. Somewhat fair and somewhat equal, based on the circumstances.  

During the time where I was stressed beyond belief, going in and out of court, worrying that his threats were real, wondering what judges and lawyers would say, my dad said something very important to me one day on the phone. He said “If he does something great for you, turn him into a zero. Because when he has done something good for you, it is to manipulate or negotiate, not because he feels he is doing the right thing. When he does something that hurts you, turn him into a zero.”

In my head, he has been and is a zero. I put the kids first. If I feel it is good for the kids, I say “yes”. Even if it inconveniences me or makes him gloat at seeming to be the “winner” in any situation, big or small.

Fortunately for me, I also take him into consideration. I suppose that turns him into something more than a zero in my book. But he is the girls’ father. No matter the jerk he can be, they love him and love being with him and he takes good care of them when they are with him.

I’m wondering sometimes what gets into him when he turns bully-ish and mean. Lately, he’s been more-so and it frustrates the hell out of me. Still, I think “zero” and that subsides some of the concern and frustration and upset he brings to the table, unnecessarily.

But still. Regardless, I document stuff. I save nasty voice mails. I do. I do because despite him being a zero, which is an attempt to force him out of my head and worry, I constantly feel the need to protect things, myself, from him. I’ve been through 7 years of marriage with him. I went through a year long divorce. I’ve been divorced from him for almost four years and co-parent with him. I am the primary residence for the girls and he has every other weekend visits and a mid week dinner visit. 

Every night he calls to talk to the girls for the most part.  I have no problem with it, but I asked him to call anytime by 6:30. 6:30 is when the girls brush their teeth, choose stories, we read on my bed for half and hour and then sing for fifteen minutes and cuddle and talk and then say goodnight. If he calls during that time, it disrupts the flow of what we are doing because they get excited and distracted and we lose the bedtime routine. For a long time, before we started reading stories, I would call him if we hadn’t heard from him. It sucked. Because it was like my marriage to him. I was his secretary. I was his Stepford Wife, in a way. He never had to think about anything. My calling made it easy for him. I decided to stop and set boundaries, boundaries which he can’t seem to respect or follow.

So, what does he do? He calls AT 6:30. Despite my reminding him to please call before 6:30 and not AT 6:30, he still does it.

I’ll add that when I call for the girls when they are with him, I get them about 30 percent of the time. About eight percent of the time, he’ll actually call me back if I’ve left a message.

Tonight we were out and got home late. There was a nasty message on my cell and my house line, saying that he is trying to get in touch to talk to the girls. But he didn’t say it so nicely.

I called him back, just fifteen minutes after he left his message (which he left at 6:32). After the girls brushed their teeth, I tried him again. No answer. As they got in bed, I called him again. No answer.

I’m really looking forward to tomorrow when I get the lecture.

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